We’re coming for you at 7.
Ma leg’s been twitching for the last three oors. Baith eh them, but no at the same time. Just the wan, gawn up n doon like the wee dugs ye get fur yer dashboard. Am always tappin away tae, drummin oan the desk. Only four eh my fingers, my thumb makes too much noise. It’s like playin air guitar withoot movin yer airms.
Only a minute tae go so I need tae pick the next song quickly wit can I listen tae in a minute I don’t huv many wan minute songs this wan’s only two and a hauf that’ll dae they might be late. A wee pop tune, some’hin light, hud the heedbangin’ shite oan aw day. Gets me pumped up – if I’m walkin’ tae an exam, or gaun up a hill, or need tae have a wan tae wan chat, it’ll be yon Linkin Park or some’hin else wae a load ah screamin’ in it.
I widnae mind sa much if I kent sooner. I ken it’s joost Laura and Pete and I ken I see them aw the time, and it’d be fine if it was just wan eh thur hooses wae were gawn tae, but it’s Friday and the pub’s gonnae be foo eh aw the wallopers fae aw ooer the toon. It’s the worst night tae go oot, along wae Saturday, but any night really, it’s always the busiest place on any night, and I cannae really haunl that.
I’ve brushed ma hair aboot four times in the last oor noo, it keeps messin up cuz I’m pure sweatin. I widnae really mind if we wurnae gawn oot, Laura and Pete dinnae care if ma hair’s a mess, though their parents might, or their flatmates might, or they might even if they say they dinnae, so I’d probably be dain this anywiy. Aye.
I’m breathin awffy fast, no sure if I should pace my room or chew ma thumbnail while ma leg geez it laldi. Wit if somebody fae school’s there and they talk tae me. They’ll probably be pished, like “aw how ye dain it’s been ages! Wit ye dain these days?” and I’ll stumble ooer ma words, I’ll ask thaim wit their dain, and then I’ll ask them again cuz it’s ma go-to conversation hing, even though ah’ve already asked. Alwiys ask them wit their dain and how their dain. Efter that just hope it goes somewhere. Try slow doon and no rush through the sentence tae, it helps if it’s no jist wan long howyedainwityebeenuptae? Ah might no meet them anywiy, might just be the three eh us and just a load eh randomers.
Mind you, there wis that time that guy took ma glesses. He didnae mean any hairm, I just laughed et him as he was lookin pure daft an aw that, but efter I goat hame it made me feart tae go back ootside. Ye cannae really dae that, ken? I need thaim tae see. Cannae just take somebody’s vision fae them, they’re no a fashion accessory. Remember, if anybidy asks tae try yer glesses, ye say naw, unless it’s a pal who’s also specky in which case they just want tae compare blindness. That’s awright.
I hope it’s no too loud cuz it’s hard tae talk ooer the thumpin music. I trip ooer ma sentences at the best eh times so I don’t want tae huv tae shout, it just fucks them up even mare. Really unsocial, ken? Just sitting there wae a drink on ma phone tweeting about how I’d rather be at hame. It’s no very nice but I could just set up a tweet the noo for an hour’s time so it sends anywiy even if I’m no oan ma phone. Mibby I can slip away early if I say there’s some’hin oan at hauf eight I want tae watch. It’s only a ten minute walk, that’d gee us aboot an oor the gither, that’s plenty ah time oan a Friday night at the pub, we never dae all nighters anyway, we’ve never been the type.
Aye, I’ll just tell them ma chat show’s startin back, and it’s got that guy fae Mad Max oan it. I pure love him, they’ll un’erstaun. I’ve no missed an episode anywiy, it’s no like it’s oot the blue. They might work oot it’s no oan til efter ten, but I can jist say I was poppin tae the shoap first or huvin a bath or chattin tae my maw.
Aye, hauf eight I’ll be hame fur. Ma leg’s calmt doon a bit et the thoat eh that. Shouldnae be that busy by that time, maste folk’ll still be pre-drinkin. How bad kin it be? Just a few folk, aye. Awk I need tae brush ma hair again. Keeps stickin tae ma foreheed. I hate ma foreheed, there’s too much eh it, cannae draw any attention towards it wae a few hairs stuck there cuz I’m pure boilin. Dae I need mare deodorant? Already pit some oan but I’m just so hoat, worried I’m pure reekin. Wit’s the time? Still fifty nine? Fuck sake where ur they thoat they’d be here by noo. They said seven aye, but it’s no like them to keep iz waitin.
Huv I goat time fur a pee?
Maybe I’ve goat the wrang colours oan. No sure rid really goes wae green ootside eh December, gonnae feel like a fuckin Christmas tree. It’s April. Pete’ll be wearin aw black mind you, moody basturt, he doesnae really care but I care, don’t want folk tae look et me thinkin “bet their tree’s still up.” Don’t need ma gless handed tae me like “there ye go, Robin, tweet tweet.” I shoulda checked wit Laura was wearin. Wit if she’s got green and rid oan tae, they’ll hink it was aw planned, aw naw. Christ I cannae go oot like this, have I goat time tae change? Wit’d ye mean calm doon? You calm doon.
Awk I’m gonnae go pee again.
How could they no’ve told me this a week ago? They ken I cannae haunl last minute hings. I ken the day-of isnae last minute fur maste folk but is fur me, I hud ma night aw planned, and it didnae involve oors eh plannin tae go doon the road. Hud tae change my dinner, when I washed ma hair, when I goat dressed, how many songs I could play, when I put ma shoes oan…I wisnae planning oan puttin thaim oan the day but I need tae put them oan noo…such a fuckin mess. Woke up feelin dead fine, then ah goat the text “pub tonight? x” and I wanted tae say naw but it’s gettin tae the point if I say naw any mare they’re gonnae stoap invitin mae and I cannae be alane, that’d be even worse than aw the plannin. Naw the plannin is fine, it just coulda been avoided, ken? If they’d telt me a week ago then it wilda fit in wae every’hin else, coulda worked up tae it, it wid only ah been the last five minutes before I left the hoose that hud me shakin ma legs rather than hauf the fuckin day.
Ma room’s a state, mibbe I’ve goat enough time tae start geein it a tidy up, pit some books away or some’hin. I just dance roon them aw, ken, there’s enough space oan the flare fur ma feet but aye it needs tidied sometime and I should probably just dae it the noo, I cannae go before it’s finished, needs done right enough. Cannae believe it goat this bad, never lettin it get this bad again, that’s it, this is the last time. Stayin oan tap eh it noo.
Plenty ah time fur a pee again, just tae make sure, dinnae want tae be pure burstin oan the wiy.
I feel fuckin mental, but ah ken ahm no the only wan who does aw this stressin and preparation. Mind that time Sammy said she wiz late cuz she’d spilt some’hin oan her dress but ah ken that’s a load ah pish, she wiz dain aw this an awl. She telt me. She gets stuck tae her chair, cannae move, kens she wants tae go and brush her teeth or whatever, but she just cannae dae it. Panics. At least this wiy I’ll snap oot it when Pete and Laura get here, ahm no gonnae be mad in front eh them. I’ll just shout “comin” ooer the flush ah the toilet and they’ll be nane the wiser. I’m just no social, no a loat tae say, it’s definitely no that facin’ the ootdoors is like facin’ every’hin ye’ve ever said ye cannae dae in wan go, it’s definitely no that. It’s no like when ye walk intae P.E. wae yer muscle mass eh a crisp packet and specks the size eh the moon. It’s just nae chat. Nae chat is better than bein’ seen as a loony, ken?
Feelin’ pure knackered noo. Don’t even remember staunin’ up, but I’m lookin’ oot the windae aw the same, then ma other windae, then the first windae. Sweatin’. Fix ma hair. Sit doon ya daft bastard. Leg gaun like mad.
I run tae the bathroom. At the sound eh the flush…every cunt be normal.